It is amazing how, in the depths of the night, the scattered thoughts, which have been ricocheting around your head, find the necessary adhesive to stick to your mental awareness. In the daylight, these thoughts are but a background whisper making no more sound then the flutter of a butterfly's wings. Then as day turns into the midst of night, these same thoughts become clear and resonant, like the steady beat of a drum.

I was reading some cancer message boards before I tried to go to bed tonight. Well, in hindsight that probably was a mistake. Instead of calming my mind down, I'm sure all that did was to increase brain wave activity. One post caught my eye in particular which is the reason for this post. I have copied and pasted..."Cancer patients don't just die once. They die a thousand times. Every test result becomes either a source of elation (if results are good) or a source of desperation (if results are worse than hoped for). Even when the result of a test is a source of elation, it is a source of stress since it brings with it the questions "now what?", "what if it is only temporary or the calm before the storm?".

I think that pretty much sums up how I have felt these past few months. There is a sense of desperation, perhaps that is a strong word, perhaps a better word would be helplessness. Things were going along pretty smoothly, maintenance chemo was keeping tumors nice a stable. Then bam, a regularly scheduled CT shows tumor growth and the need to go back to aggressive treatment. But wait! Tooth pain needs to be addressed, then surgery, then a very slow healing process. And no chemo. How entirely frustrating to not be able to be proactive. Most of you would agree that passivity is not a trait I am well known for! I am hopeful that by next Monday we will truly have a plan of action. Gavin is having an octreotide scan tomorrow, oops I mean today, Wednesday, at 2 p.m. From my understanding, this scan will determine if a different treatment can be used in the interim while Gavin's mouth is healing. The important thing is to not suppress his immune system anymore then it already is so the mouth will heal.

I think an important point to see here is that I used the word helplessness, not hopelessness. Yes I feel like my hands are tied and the doctors hands are tied. We are all just waiting for Gavin's mouth to quit declaring mutiny and get on board with the program. Thinking more deeply about it, my hands will always be tied. I, along with Gavin, can make decisions based on the docs advice but that is where our power ends. Our God is an awesome God who is the great physician, who is our loving Father, who is our Comforter. He stands by us and holds us in His arms always and forever.

We are blessed with a strong marriage and wonderful kids. We are blessed with a multitude of loving friends, those who are there to cheer us up and those who are there to cry with us. We are blessed with amazing doctors who we are confident in their guidance through this battle. We are blessed with a wonderful church family who have supported us from the beginning. We are blessed with many heartfelt prayers from around the world, some from people we know and some from strangers. We are blessed to have a God who gives us all of these blessings and more.

As it is now definitely the middle of the night, I will leave you with words from a Mark Schultz song that have been running through my head:

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

Maria